I wish I was her…

He peeks through his window and calls for her in the sweetest voice, you ever hear. ‘Sohaaa, Sooohaaa”. And waits impatiently for his little girl to come to the window. She runs towards the window…answers him with a gasp. She manages to climb the table near her window and smiles. They share a smile.

And all of the sudden, they are giggling over nothing. They chitter-chat over their days adventures, follies, goof-ups. They laugh off at each others’ stupid mistakes. They talk of their homework, new kid in the class, all the funny jokes, make plans for evening at the park and buzz off.

And then after some time, he calls for her again. Shares something funny at happened in between and they giggle. Sometimes he asks her if he could come over to her place. When she nods, he appears at her door with a bag full of toys and biggest grin. They are lost in their world of illusions, of sillier-newer games.

When she is annoyed, sometimes I play the middle-woman and help them sort out their small but huge problems (like why did you ride my cycle yesterday?)… But strangely, she forgets the fight in a minutes’ time. Their cold-wars vanish in no time, just from a ‘kati’ to ‘bati’. And they are back again chatting about the birds, sky, squirrels.

Sometimes, I try to join in their gang but it’s never that way. She is always the centre of his world. For all the silly-billies and funny adventures. Sometimes, I wish I was her. Sometimes, I wish I had all the attention, love and care like she does.

Love's labour so lost

It was one rainy evening when I bumped into you,
It was not love that first sight but something about was so right,
With the casual hi-hellos, we embarked on this love trail,
Our initial steps were so shy and so frail.
I never realised when we became an inseparable bond.
We even signed a testimony of this love so divine.
All those nights spent gazing the stars in your companionable silences,
Those chilly wintery evenings with hot coffee in your kitchen,
Those lazy Sunday afternoons reading in the bedroom.
Every moment is a memory etched in my heart....
We had our minor tiffs but it was all ok once you smiled,
And then we sailed into one of the adventures of delight.

One fine day you walked in and said that you don't want me anymore,
You told me that it was nothing but a 11-month affair.
I pleaded with you to give us one more chance.
You said, "Ok, one more month. But you go find someone better."
But I knew then you were gone - far and away from me.
Oh, Flat.12 of Patwardhan baug, I love you so... My love for you is so divine.
I shall walk away if you say.. But remember, you can never walk away from love.

Zero

Waiting and watching the fan move over my head. And my mind is going round and round with it. Wondering how fast I am spinning my web … my life. Suddenly, I feel like I have no control over what lies ahead. That what lies ahead has always petrified me.
I am being to wonder if what picture am I painting. I am scared to fill in the colours. And, neither do I know what am I painting! It all seems so hazy.
It was nice chirpy day when all the silly thoughts began to crowd my mind. It’s just that sometime.. Nothing makes sense.. Neither a life. Everything comes down to zero. It is so scary if life has start from a scratch all over again. Its just that I don’t feel sure enough of what am I heading to. … More importantly why am I going, where I am going.
I can only hope that the road will be a fun ride as it has always been for me.

24 Random things about me

1 I am a horoscope-addict. So much, that everyday I start with reading how my day would be in 3 different newspapers, i buy. I guess its beginning to influence my life a bit too much now.
2 I am quite a sport. Whether it is some shit-shopping or getting together at a pub. I am always IN.
3 I am a late-latif... though I try very hard not to. In short, I am lazy :)
4 I am money-blind. I can never sort out financial matters...
5 Food.. has been my love. Now, its no longer that way. I guess, I am concerned of my growing assets.
6 I have this disbelief that I sing well... pretty well.
7 I have a zillion self-doubts. Not about my abilities but wat will I do of them
8 Appreciation works wonders with me. And so does criticism.
9 Cinema is my religion I hate to be around pop-corn eating, gossiping jerks in movie-hall. It irks me to the end. Music is a drug. Books are my Bible.
10 When I am happy, it is evident. When I am sad, it is obvious. But, only I can work my way out of it. Sometimes, the most silliest moment can cheer me up.
11 I am, well, selfish. I have always been important to me. I believe that you got to love yourself first, to love somebody else.
12 I am normally an organised person but sometimes slip into state of anarchy.
13 I love to learn newer and newer things in life.
14 I am very self-contradictory. I may not do what I think because, I was thinking the other way that time.
15 I have only grown to understand that I love my family more than ever.
16 My family has taught me this biggest maxim of my life: Loving does not mine that I shall do anything for you. But it is accepting the differences and co-existing. It makes you so much more stronger, set you free and still keeps you grounded in love.
17 I sometimes think I have become a bunchfull of memories. But then, that is how I would like to see myself grow old. 'Knitting some damn sweater for my beloved and story-telling about my not-so-adventurous-life to my grandchildren.'
18 I always think of my life to be one great adventure. Not that I have done anything adventurous but still.. I am a travel-freak who has never travelled much.
19 I love kids. Its just that I can connect with them - their innocence, their tell-a-tale adventures, their world where nothing just seems impossible.
20 I am certainly not an ambitious, say career-wise. But ambitious and optimist about the way I want to and will lead my life. Career is just one part of life. It does not have that much prominence in my life. But that doesn't mean I will be a loser.
21 I am scared of heights. But I have had my highest rushes when I am atop a mountain.
22 My friends are literally - my life.
23 I'll believe in freedom. Freedom of thought, action and dreams, of course. But, I fail to understand how do women of my generation equate the word 'freedom' with 'freedom to smoke, dope and fuck'
24 Few things I believe in/ realised: 'Love yourself, to love somebody else.' 'Love don't come easy for me.' 'If you love/like somebody, set free them free.'

OOpss!!

It was one of those awkward little movements in my life. After a long while, me and my brother was sitting and catching up on our lives. Strangely despite our age differences, we quite easily confine to each other. It's like we know (well almost know) each others deepest, darkest secrets and fear.
So, it was some god-freakin Tuesday night and we were all cuddled up into one quilt and chatting away to glory. When he popped up this question to me... "Tai, how do i know if a girl is interested in me? There is this girl in my college. Wat can I do?" I was flabbergasted (1) to see my little brother grow up all of the sudden (2) to answer his damn questions. How on earth am I suppose to know all that? I managed to blurt out a few pearls of wisdom, trying to show off that I was the learned one.
I mean I don't carry any expertise here... I am the dumber. I don't how to flirts if it means to look into their eyes and drop hints. I won't understand if someone is doing tht even. Basically, I am a true believer of the idea that - there is nothing to look at in a man. God, just didn't give it to them. I don't have any idea on how many potential interests I must have lost on to that notion. I have not been a relationship of sorts. I do not rather can not have fling - just like that here and there.... Ohh, one positive sign... I have had two terribly major crushes one somewhere in school and other in my college days.
It just that I have always been so lost into myself that I seldom bother to stop and stare. So, I never know if someone is peeping into my world.
Anyways, he made me realise that I missed out so much in life. Watever, I shall check what did he do of that little chance? Lets hope for something better.

When I have the blues...

I wonder why they call it 'the blues'. Blue is such a happy colour. But I cannot handle my blues. I don't know how and when does it engulf me but it does. All of the sudden - everything in and around in my life seems a complete disaster, mess. I have a thousand tons of queries which I cannot answer. Moresoever, I carry a trademark sulking face for everyone right from the watchman to understand that I am not ok. For all strange reasons, even after living for so many years I have never learn the act of faking it right.
So, I sulk everywhere around me. Criticise people and things around me. Take things too seriously. (basically, I live on appreciation and even the minutest critique comes as a big blow in such times) Gradually, I begin to pick on myself. I act like a kid around, trying to attract attention but it is often ignored. Sometimes, miss aai terribly.
All those questions begin to pound in my head. 'what am I doing?', 'why am I doing wat I am doing?', 'Is this the way my life will be?', 'How will my life be?'...... so on and so forth. On a normal days, I can be a powerhouse of non-sense, sit and make everyone laugh over my antics. Even if they are not interested, I make sure that they have to survive me and they is no other way out but to listen to me.
On days like these... I look for solace everywhere around I can. But mostly, I am disappointed. I just cann't find enough energy around to charge me up. So, I try, try and try to deflect me into happier things, try to shed a tear or two and feel relieved and hope that all this sadness vanishes. Most of the times... it does vanish... So, I am waiting today.. waiting from the blues to leave me. Waiting for the madness to come back. I can't live without it.
PS: Maybe it just one of those bad day ... when I want run away from everything.

Swinging at Shivaji Park

... Everytime, I see a swing my mind races down to that moment in time and space, i lived in at Shivaji Park, Dadar.
Every Saturday morning - me, aai and varun (that is when he came into being) - used to bungle into a 368 BEST bus (plz correct if the bus number is wrong, gale) and head towards dadar- my grandfather's house. It was like a little family thing where baba used to join us later in the evening. I still remember the bus ride so vividly. Those were my small windows of acquaintance with the outside world.
Anyways, so the evening were filled with the walk into Shivaji PArk. All those horse-rides, merry-go rounds, running on the playground, staring at the balloon-sellers, bubble-makers, and that elusive budhi-ke-bal (aai never bought them for me. She said that its made of gutter-water. And till date, I have never touched it). And the days turned into night while a walking back home, gazing the stars. My only mission then was to count stars. I used to tell everyone that one day I will be successful.
The biggest highlight of the entire itinerary was to grab on the swing. So, I used to queue up along with aai and wait for my prized moment. And there I was, swinging high up into the sky. Aai or sometimes it was mausi who pushed the swing into force, as my feet never reached the ground. The feeling of flying high high on the swing is so blissfully, blissfully happy. Only a kid know that. Then I eagerly waited for the day when I would grow up and, my feet would reach the ground and I would swing, fly high on my own.
But then the days did come and the act didn't seem fun anymore. Strange, thats how it is - you never what you are live into until it has long gone. I did try my legs on a swing recently but the feeling just didn't seem as it was back then... somewhere back in 1990s :)

I lived to see another day

Yes, I did live to see another day with broken bones and aching body. But, I did.
It all started out when I agreed to be a moonlight treking expedition. I thought, waah, it will be like moonlight and valentino... I walk on to some hill, sit on a hilltop and enjoy the beauty of the nature when the world is fast asleep. Well, it was like thats for the first half an hour or so.... then, the trauma began. I was panting on the climbs and my flat-foot just added into the mess. I had no grip, so was always slipping and falling off here and there. Basically, I was the dumbest of all in the group.
So, I had Mr.Rao, the guide and everyone else pulling me up, dragging me towards another climb. Miserable I was.. It was a struggle for my body and mind was not working. I just resolved my system to only think of the next step. I managed to freak out everyone in the group. Everyone was yelling from all corners, "Come on Mayuri, you can do it".
At the end of it all, we had climbed up and down some 14-odd hills for the last 8 1/2 hours. That is, we walked throughout the night and well off the morning till 10 am. Pheeewwww..
WATEVER, I was dead when i reached home. Slept off for a while and then work like dog for the day while i waited to meet jinu next day.

The not-so fat fat wedding

Firstly, apologises for not writing for so long. Blame on all packed schedule and sheer laziness. Anyways, there is a lot to update u guys about.
Back to February 1...
Well... this was all a big big family jamboree.. I got to meet old and newer old relatives who i never knew existed. The occasion was my cousin sister's wedding. So, early morning, all three of us - baba, me and varun (minus aaji for all inevitable reasons) - drove our way down straight to the marriage venue at Dadar.
The place carries a family history of sorts. If not for this place, may be I wouldn't have existed. This is a place where my aatya got married, where my parents first met. And after four years, they choose to get married in the same place. :) My eldest cousin got married here and now the second one was getting married here again too.
Anyways, so there was meeting a bunch load of relatives. Among all, my favourite one was my french-speaking uncle... I was delighted to speak french with him. Both of us were struggling with our, 'J'ai oulblie tout le francias", "Oui, mais un peu". To me the feeling was like, what one would feel to stand in front of your first love. Yes, it is ma premiere amour - le francias :). It filled me up with so much strength and made me believe in myself .... made me content. I miss it.
A blooper - All these sweet talking relatives were extra extra sweet to me. All where like, "Oh, so you are a journalist at times of india"... (SO WHAT?) "Oh, you just look like Barkha Dutt".. (WATEVER) Then my dear mausi - was trying to hard sell the fact to baba that we should start searching for a suitable boy for me which my dear father discarded saying that she can fend for herself. It really made me glad .. to get that reassurance again and again is a nice feeling.
Slowing the feeling started sinking that there were bunch loads of mallus at the venue. When mausi explained that the bridegroom was half mallu catholic. Ahhh.. no wonder, i thought but how did i always manage to surround myself around THE MALLUS, gods know. And then, there was Maharashtra CM who choose to grace the venue and bless the married couple. He stole away all the attention, nobody was interested in the bride & groom anymore..
With all the hoopla around, the sister finally got married. Its so different to have a girl in your family married. It is so difficult, to send that piece of your heart away. However, modernised we are... somethings will always remain the same.
PS: I was wearing a saree and felt like a nice fat aunty.

Screeeeeaaammmmmmmmmmm.......

I live in a mad house.. I guess, I can only live in a mad house with more mad people like me..... How on earth could i live it otherwise? :)
A normal day in a life in my humble abode - R is dancing (salsa i believe) I jump in trying to show off my non-existent belly-dancing skills, R2 wonders what is she suppose to do. In between all the dancing, the radio is farting. I switch gears and now I am singing, R is still dancing which she now claims is called 'rumba', R2 is scolding both of us as usual, the bathroom's leaking - all of this is happening at the same time .... amidst that madness is free flowing. That is actually, a normal day of my life. But sadly, there are very few instances where all of us are together to showcase our antics. But when we are together, it is really like the non-sensos rule. Plan to do nothing or sometimes something are instantaneously made and the zest to live them is infectious.
There is no rhyme or reason to anything that we could do but its mostly because we want do. 1'o clock 'Darshan' trails, midnite run for the biggest church in the city, the search for a house with a biiiggg terrace and having found one to live in, or plain lazying around.... This will surely be a time in my life that i shall treasure.
So the other day, i was screaming. Just for kicks. I go 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' in front of R2 and she joins in to the party. We get rebuked by R who say, go to the terrace and scream, not inside the house. She is like the 'Mother Superior' of the place. So, we both run all giggly giggly to the terrace like some scolded kids. And start... but we are too giggled-up like some kid's adventure.
"Alrite concentrate, focus," we tell each other. We can't stop laughing for watever reason - over-excited for the ACT, i guess. And, there we go.. THE LOUDEST AND THE CLEAREST SCREAM. We were screaming at the top of our lungs.
Extremely happy of the act. We run back inside, hoping nobody has caught us in the act. And then we get back to our other non-sensical acts.

Buzzz… again

1 I love you and you love me is fine. But I guess the trouble starts when the loving becomes an obligation

2 It has been a long while… but today I almost spend an entire day with myself. I am feeling good about it.

3 Only I can make me happy. I mean sometimes I wonder how do I undergo a string of emotions in a days’ time – happy, sad, anger, helpless and then happy again. And still stay me.

4 I never get to see, hear, feel the evening world – kids playing, birds flying home, colour changing sky… So, I am happy today. Happy for sitting here in my terrace all evening long, after a long long time. I agree I only pay the rent for the god damn terrace, otherwise I could have stayed in any shithole.

5 It takes so long to love somebody – truly completely.

6 I think I am growing old. I contemplate and introspect a lot. Sometimes it really gets on my nerves

7 Ok,a confession. It’s been a long while since I have actually completed a book. I am ashamed

8 Oh, yes. I found my ‘Wilson’. J It’s this little coconut I found on the seashore and it connects me back to that Wilson ball in the film ‘Cast Away’

My little mind

You always keep slipping away, my little mind,
I try everything to make you happy,
I sing all the silly song, read you all the funny books,
I even dance for you.

But you always keep slipping away from me,
Wander away that path with no way out,
Run away from the truth.

Why don’t you listen to me, my little mind?
Why don’t you understand?

I do everything to make you be ‘you’
I listen to all your nonsenses, all your dreams,
I play you the joker and make you laugh,
I even wipe your tears when you’re sad.But you just keep slipping away from me,
I can’t fight you anymore, my little mind.

Why don’t you listen to me, my little mind? Why don’t you understand?

That old feeling

July 2004. It was a long rainy day – quite a long while ago. I was trying to fit into this life, I had found for myself. I was staying in an absolutely hilarious hostel, away from home for the first time. The world was beginning to be a strange place for me. New place, new faces, new ways of doing things…. And the lil me refused to fit into this brave new world.
So, I tried to gather all my courage and tell myself that this was going to be a learning experience for me. That I should be stronger. So, I did everything to consume myself but something was amiss. I couldn’t shrug it off that feeling of homesickness.
Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I collected few one rupee coins and dashed to Good Luck phone booth (didn’t have mobile then)... I punched the buttons to home, talked to Baba and cried. I told him that I missed him and didn’t know what to do. Poor man, I could hear him choke on the other side. But he assured me that he will meet me tomorrow morning and that it was ok. He filled me up with hope and I thought that I could live another day.
Its that same old feeling today again. I just want to be home. But I can’t make myself cry today. I can only sulk and try to comfort me unsuccessfully. Whatever it might be, I misses my place, my people a lot…

The blink game

Blink and the world is different.. Blink and again, its colours, hues change ... and its new all over again. :)

Its this stupid game that i play with myself, every time i see a picturesque landscape. I close my eyes and try register my image in the mind. Its like trying to find a camera in my mind. Open your eyes and you capture newer images. Its this fight to keep that moment forever with me. I don't know if i win but i do it all the time anyways.

So, i was at this silly konkan beach with nobody else but me, at peace. Then, it was blink, blink again. (blink) Sound of sea-waves, sea-gulls larking. Sun melting into the sea, boys playing cricket, baby crabs walking their drunk ways, boats homeward bound. (blink) Funny birds does moon walking on the beach, couple passes by, boat closer to the shores, sun changes its colours, my mind racing elsewhere..

(blink) Funny birds fly home, boat reaches the shores, sky goes all crimson red. Revellers jump in water for god knows wat. I walk through the shallow seawaters. Happy. Collect loads of shells. Walk back into the bus, to go home.

It has always been me

Hmm... So, it was one of those Tuesday when I was back home. I was bored. So, I decided to walk around the town.. nigdi. Thats, how most of my walks are - I don't where I am going but I end up going somewhere. :) (i guess thats the way my life has been too). So, I walked my school... I was overwhelmed to catch a glimpse of a part of my life so long and almost forgotten. Kids were playing and checking out aunty (me) passing by. I parked myself in front of the ground... sat for a while, felt happy happy. A sister passed by asking me what happened... like the peace. Yes, it did. My hands automatically went back (on ur butt, as they always said) while talking to her. Some things never fade away.
The grotto was closed. They have built barbed wire around it. I always liked that place, sitting there was so much peaceful.
So much, had passed between all those years.... I had grown up but I had not changed. I am still the naive, hopeful, chirpy.. soul. I still carry that kid's wonderment when I see, hear, read, feel things for the first time in my life. I still feel the need to question to said/believed notions. I still believe in all the non-senses... I still only cry to myself. I still laugh the same hysterical ways. I still carry that innate disability to emote my needs, feelings. I did and do say 'Fuck you damn it. This is what I think"... I still collect all the flowers, bird watch while walking back home. And, most importantly, I am very much as fat and far more MAD - as I was before.
Its only those experiences i lived had enriched me as a person and made my idiosyncrasies flourish.

Bold As Love

For all those, who haven't heard of it ever; listen... Listen to the original Jimi Hendrix version or the covers sung by John Mayer, The corrs, Phish and god knows who all, watever you want. Galette.. lets this one be in our list of mad songs.... shouldn't we really make a list like that, eh?

BOLD AS LOVE - Jimi Hendrix

Album - Axis: Bold as love

Anger he smiles, towering in shiny metallic purple armour

Queen jealousy, envy waits behind him

Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground

Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,

They quietly understand

Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,

But wonder why the fight is on

But they're all bold as love, yes, theyre all bold as love

Yeah, they're all bold as love

Just ask the axis

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war and

Ribbons of euphoria

Orange is young, full of daring,

But very unsteady for the first go round

My yellow in this case is not so mellow

In fact Im trying to say its frigthened like me

And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, eh,

Giving my life to a rainbow like you

But, I'm eh , yeah, Im bold as loveYeah, yeah

Well Im bold, bold as love (hear me talking, girl)

Im bold as love, Just ask the axis (he knows everything)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

My funny valentine!

He is my baby boy... He drives me down home everyday.. be it sun, wind or rain. He chitter-chats about his worldly obsessions, the latest gossips, cracks silly jokes and make me laugh, tunes in for music on radio. He makes me haffy. He checks on me always if i need something. Is always more than willing to help when i am in trouble.
He has this little boy charm, that mischievous trait that make him goof around with things. He is smart man when he wants to be one and a dumb fool when choose to be one. He is always there waiting for me with that effortless smile.
He is my driver... he drives me home everyday. Its like no matter how bad the day has been, it always ends on a happy note, thanks to him.

Always the last-bencher!!

Wooowiieee... I was sitting on the last bench again today. I felt so good, saw like all those back-bencher days were coming back to me.
Ever since I can remember I have always been a last-bencher. In school, I can recall those endless giggly-sessions, phaltu bets, playing with your pen-rattlers, making music outta nothing, eating in periods, face-makings, The X-0, bingo games :) ... Its like there is a whole new world out there. Its where your most creative thought pop out and they are well applauded there.
Its where you make these friends for life. Its where you see the world on a big, bigger canvas. You can see everything from another, na.
There's this special place in my heart for -Mat, Ras, Stan. The last benchers of Std.X A, 2000.
Sometimes growing, sharing and living becomes so nice and easy with some people. I will always always and cherish that time of life. I really thought that i was lost in this new place (school) and they really made feel home.
In college, the attendance was so low... and even if u sat on the last bench... You were anyways on the first... Anyways, I lived my moments of glory in MA again. I guess I never wanted the teachers to influence me. The "We don't need no education" is ingrained into my brain a bit too much. I never understood 1st/2nd rank way of educating myself. I understood teachers pet, question & answers way of learning, I always want to find my way of living and learning.... Thats the way it has been for me.
I was always reading, learning all non-degree related books, magzines, journals throughout my grad days. Chatting over chai and having the most valuable conversations of my life. Bunking lectures and watching films at film fests. Jumping up all possible co-curriculars, not necessarily to participate but to jump around. Walking out on professors bcoz they didn't have anything to offer.
So, here's a salute for all those days for making me what I am... like 'The Vultures'!! :)

me, myself!!!

The world is conspiring against me…
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I am sorry but this one is going to be sad and not so entertaining post. I woke today, knowing that this was going to be a difficult day. I guess I was just so determined to make it sulk that I was very successful in creating one for myself.
The prime worry….. I am going to be all by myself for few days. The task seems daunting and excruciating consuming. I can’t be by myself like that. I makes me feel like some sad loner. Anywyas, I managed to cook, talk, read myself. No source of entertain myself .. Radio chose to konk off just when I needed it so.
I had extreme fatigue and fever… All I exactly wanted. Nothing works like bad health to take me to a mental low. I grow psycho-somatic, irritable, incommunicable. Its like body works on mind and then mind works back with brain. And, I lose control over both of them.
I thought.. ok.. lets cook something. Maybe, I shall feel better. Nothing worked.. it only worsen. (Eyes hurt). Could understand what was happening. Giddy and very cold. Didn’t feel like eating either. Ate something. I decided not to call anyone and crib. So, cheer myself up and I thought I shall read myself ‘The Calvin and Hobbes' to sleep. And I did. Laughed… felt better and drove myself to sleep.
Work.. was ok. I did try my best to put up a show of being this extremely funny, boisterous, goofy soul. I was quite successful as I had managed to convince myself also the same. Had a time to wonder of all the non-senses like ‘How many times will they be painting White House to keep it white all the time?’ Talked and talked bullshit. Canteen forjots to give me food. Lost on Free food.
Listened to Alanis Morrisstte and drove back home with my sweet baby. Invited myself into my home with my company. I am sick right with this feeling. Punching the button on keyboard. I wish tomorrow is better. Mindless hip-hop plays on the radio. I really like to research on the social history of hip-hop music… I mean why do they sing what they music. Its all sad, violent and mostly sexed-up. Eyes hurt. I don't know why but sometimes life reduces to counting day!. How will I ever live alll by myself?

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

Thoughts wizzzing my mind:

1 What movie should i rent Wall-E/ Baran? Cartoon flick or an Iranian love-story.

2 If handicap is a special benefit. They should have something for fat-asses me like. I work in an extra-small cubicle.

3 How do people know that they will there with each other for all the while? How do they see it for each other? How can anyone marry off at 18!!!

4 What if i was a filmmaker? Wat kinda film would i make..... But i guess, i am happy watching them.

5 So dumb, when they say love should be unselfish, unconditional. Like there is some other way to love?

6 I want to ride on a double-decker bus. On the first seat on the top floor and have my arms out of the window.... Small joys. Dadar, 2nd February, 7.30am, Prabhat bookstore bus stop, bus no. 1 ltd.

7 Save Save lots of money. but how??? :( Ladakh in winter!! Read in Outlook traveller. Like some 19th century traveller. Whatever, I shall be there before i die. or I will go and die there.

8 Covered in rain. John Mayer stuck in my head... think i am obsessed

9 How am I going to live four days allll by myself? No roomates.

10 Strange, how some people are connected with you.... wherever you go, whatever you do.. You just carry them long with you. It has that mystical sense of being when you make that connection.... Is that what they call as 'karmic connection'?

11 Do i believe in God? but does God believe in me?' This line in stuck in my head. Heard in a movie.

STOp STop..

Money, money very funny in poor girl's world

Its all gone at the end of it all.. Alll gone. That's one thing i have never learnt after spending so much time (and money) with myself... I don't live a luxury life but a certainly comfortable one. But after 2 years of working... I, Mayuri Panchbhai, have no saving, no investment plans, no health insurances, no brains either to handle this thing called money.

Actually the wealth that i have accumulated is quite of the other kind... Firstly, books... i have lost count on how much i spend on books every month. I guess i buy them think "ahhaa, another one in my treasure." Its mostly. To me, books are like a peep into another world to intriguing and far away. Then, a worldspace radio... Its a lifeline. I don't know what would i do without it. It has made me realise that i can actually appreciate all kinds of music.. pop, rock, rock 'n' roll, hindustani and recently hip-hop.

And then of course ... for all the extra fat. For all the places, I managed to visit and have sumptuous lunches and diners, thanks to all the food-lovers like me. Maybe, the other knick-knacks would clothes but i am not a compulsive shopper. God know how but that's how its all gone :(

But i hope i shall learn the art of saving some day.

Musings

Saaarryy... but this one is copied from my earlier blog. I like it. An art which i don't know how but i lost.

Give me a life to live

Give me a life to live

Where imagination is your world,

Where all your dreams are a reality.

Where there is no friend, no enemy,

Where there is nothing to win, nothing to lose,

Where there is no god, no devil,

Where pain is illusion. And life never ends with death

Where your passion is not money,

Where the world is limitless,

And you are a gypsy wandering nowhere

But still been everywhere ...

Long long road... but i thought it was yesterday

:) .... hmm... where do i start? it was exactly two years ago... today that i started off on my own. I mean i left home and decided to be on my own. Found a job and profession which gives me that freedom to be me and nurture the crazy in me. (but, i still don't know if this is it)
i guess... right now, i was unloading stuff from the car into this PG i found for myself on Prabhat road. i did have an earlier stint of life on my own but this was going to be different. And different it been for sure. A whole lot of learning, falling and growing. When i look back now i think wow... u sure have come a long long way.
i found bunch load of more friends, roommates...... and the crazier ones too who let my madness blossom. Friends.. some withered away and some have only grown stronger with time. :) They helped me find my meaning of loving, caring and sharing.
i always saw myself like that... i mean as an independent being. but now what? now, tht i have it. Its like when u r in school, ur parents, teachers shape u; when u r in college ur friends shape u... when u are on ur own, u shape urself... Its like u r seeing the world on ur own with ur own eyes. And u make watever sense or non-sense out of it, rite? So, for a change i really feel tht i have achieved something. i hope its something tht everyone should but still... i love the way i make myself grow.
The only thing that scares me though is what if this zest just dies down one day. i only become one of the many... i just fall into the line...

'Are you married?'

It was a nice chirpy day. I was going lalaalaaa...ing through it as usual. Decided on skip the morning movie... and go to the belly dancing class directly. In case you still didn't know, this is one of the bizarre things, i am doing with myself. :) I found interesting people at the class including the teacher who is a Mongolian!
So, after the class I busy chatting away with Ms planner. It was the normal hi, wat u do and wat i do kind conversation. And then, it came from nowhere the most dreadful question ever being asked in life... "ARE YOU MARRIED?"
What... I wanted to scream, beat her up to death... married what do you mean? Do i look like one? i don't even have a boyfriend for Christ sake. Jerk just does not know how to talk strangers.
I managed to smile and say no. The feeling began to sink in.... maybe i look like one... fat, impregnated aunty-like.
Then, Ms planner went on with her grand plans for her life. "I am 25 now. My parents are looking for a suitable boy for me. So, lets see.. Now-a-days... Its so difficult to find a nice boy, u know. (u bet, bitchas) then, i shall quit my job and settle down." I smiled and was just about to say nice plan, man.... forget ... she withered away in a while...
But she got me thinking... i guess, there are two kinds of people - the planners and the drifters. where did i fit in here? Nowhere. I decided to make a third category... the drifty planners and not planned drifters and i shall fall into that.
I mean... confession: I can't plan certainly not my life. i like to flow along and find my way somewhere... I can never do this now and then that later And then 15 years from now... SHALL be ..... (watever). Aaaaaaarrgghhhh. So boring when you know everything. I like to know a few things and find my road.
Ain't that bad, eh? And, No I am not married and don't look like one either..

I can't fight this feeling....

Its been years... but this thought or watever it is, just stays with me always. i am not loner of any sorts but this feeling scares me. That one day will come, when i will be on a crowded street - amidst people (known/unknown) buzzing past me by and i be screaming, crying out "Help me. Listen to me." But nobody would care to. I don't know why but it just is. I have a bunch load of loving and caring souls who surround me.(Touch wood :) ) But somehow I can't shrug it off. I can't fight it out. It just comes along with me everywhere i go...

Stop this brain!!

Tuesday, January 14, 2009

Twilight delusions: I woke up with a bang in my head, cussing myself from the non-sense i created in my head.. I guess it was 4.25am in the morning. This was again one of the most weirdest dream, this time thanks to my roomie. I can't recall much of this one but was a scary lesbian encounter. Some middle-aged woman was running after me for life. I kept saying that i was not interested but she insisted. Dream reached i point where she was banging my main door and i was accusing my roomie, "Its all because of u". And as all dreams thats when i woke up.
I realised that it was all thanks to her picturesque narration (something that she is very good at) of this movie "Fire". Asking myself to shut up, I forced myself at sleep but in vain. I kept looking at the open terrace door, thinking what if someone comes from here. i felt like a lil child again.. when i used to tug closer to mom or dad and sleep after a silly dream. So, i kept humming a while and faded away eventually..
Movie RUN: hmm.. and then i woke up like all normal human brain... stretched and yawned. As it was my weekly off ... i couldn't decide on which movies will i see... i saw and i saw ... 5 in a day. i thought this will give my non-sensical brain some rest. Postcards from Leningrad, Shadows in Paradise, Cafe Setarah, In the flesh and Caramel. Found Mr.R the man who cycles from Koregaon Park to FC Road at e-square. Had diner.
Walking me down home: Like a jerk, i came up with this brilliant idea for myself... i shall walk down home. Probably, it would tire me enough to stop from this futile unending conversations with myself. So, i walk all the way from sb road piraymds to my home in kothrud.. at 10.30pm. It took me an hour or so. Between, i said lets stop this madness and find a rick. And like all the times of my life it was... u never get something when u want it and u have it when u don't want it... even with a fucking rickshaw, eh?? watever, i had drained myself enough till i reached home. To my surprise, nobody bothered me on the streets.
I was back home again discussing what movie can i watch tomorrow with my roomies. I told her of my dreadful dream and she laughed it off. I told her that i had walked back home and she rebuked me... I was like i wanted to be scolded. I was finally exhausted, dead enough to stop my brain....
But God knows, what it must have cooked up while i was sleeping??

'The world is a lie. The world is a dream'

I fell in love again, today. All over again. I fell in love with his world. They say he makes magic... the cinema of Majid Majidi. There is magic is his frames, sound, his neo-realistic characters and the simple essence of life that binds each of his movie.
I saw his latest film "The song of sparrow' at piff . The film revolves around Karim (Reza Naji) who works in a ranch in outskirts of Tehran. He lives with his wife, two daughters and a son. Fired from his job, Karim lands up with a job in the city as passenger ferryman. The passenger and the places he encounters.... and his efforts to make his family happy.
The film runs on the underlining theme of the human chase for our dreams, needs... Some we achieve and realise that they were not worth the chase. Some don't materialise and always remain elusive. Some we end up doing unexpectedly and are quite surprisingly satisfying.
A scene where he takes back the blue door, his wife gives away is simply awesome. The shot is an aerial view and he walks with his blue door over the shoulder, through burnt fields - symbolising barren life but still he walks past full of hope. In an another scene, he empathises with his son's broken dream of being a millionare and sings a song for him 'The world is a lie. The world is a dream' - encapsulates the film in totality.
A must watch... Even if you are the yash chopra movie kinds. But i don't know where else can u catch this movie other than a film fest.

TAg me up!

Alrite.. so this is me, clueless as usual. So I shall be filling up my first post with a tag. courtesy Jini. But like Gale says.. we all are finding our clues in life :) Yes, we are and we are growing

Ten things you could say to people right now:

1 Why do men whistle in the loo? I am running this survey for the better understanding of mankind. I really love to understand these silly non-sensos that ppl reject outrightly. I mean if everyone thinks of relativity and Freudian theories.. then who will answer the silly-billies of the world.

2 When will I get a pan-card? Its tax time and i still don't have it. After 2 years of active journalism and a not-so-great money paying profession.... AND A FATHER WHO IS A CA. I don't have a pancard. SHAMEFUL, i agree

3. Which film are we going for at PIFF tomorrow?? Its this international film fest and I go there every year.. to only find more cinema freaks like me. :)

4 Can we do something about the A/C, here?

5 Fuck off!! U moron.. such fakes in this world

6 What do we do for city edition? I work for a newspaper as a big fat copy editor. Worse the work hours really suck.. I work all nights u see..

7 Am I misunderstood? I always wonder how do ppl perceive me?

8 Thank you

9 Waah.. I reached the nine question .. I never really thought that I have much to say... mostly I just shut up and like to keep it to myself.

10.. Twist, twist some more (in Mongolian assent). I am learning to belly dance, thinking I should put my expertises to some good use in life, and my teacher is a Mongolian lady.

Nine things about yourself:

1 I am foodie .. Love doesn't really need an explanation, does it?

2 Careless not with things but people. Its just tht i am so lost into myself and sometimes i forget to love and care

3 i don't take myself or my life seriously. I just let it be. so i guess i am mostly haffy. Maybe it means i will just drift away one day. That scares me.

4 Passion of my life: music, movies and books. why educate urself if u can't read books?

5 straight-forward maybe a lil too much :) but thats the way i am. i don't know how to be otherwise

6 my stupid grin. I guess i don't i myself in positive light. i mean i can't talk good about myself

7 Oh.. this should have been the first. LAZY.. i don't think i utilise my brain to the fullest. I want the learn so many things... but never been the planning kinds.

8 i wish i understood ppl better. i don't know but i fail to decode the masks they roam arnd with.. Y do u need them, anyways? i don't think i have one.

9 Words fail me at the most important and crucial moments in my life

10 a dreamer... conscious and sub-conscious one too :)

11 i guess i am quite an accomodative person

phew... tht was something..

Eight ways to win your heart:

1 let u be u and me be me and then probably we could be we

2 smile...

3 appreciate my non-sense/ . i love ppl who give me a booster to all the non-sense i come up with

4 love music, movie and books.

5 listen to ur heart... i believe in randomness. Most of the decision are made spontaneously

6 listen to me when i am confused, freaked out. I normally need a lot whole of lovin'. Get 'lost' if i can't find it

7 My world is not black and white. Its filled all the colours and i am discovering many more of them. :) I live in Eastman colour

8 Altitude really matter. Those like: "Hi, I am A. and work for....." So what?! Is that ur existence?

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1 So many places to see. A world to explore.. but so lil time and money

2 Am I weird?

3 Am I living it right?.. borrowed from John Mayer's 'Why Georgia'. Sometimes its like is this the thing i want to do for life?

4 How do people perceive me? dumb/naive/ lazy/ drifter/good-for-nothing

5 I will learn the importance of physical activity sometime in life. I hope before its too late

6 Why is fart acceptable and not burp? Not all fart smell!

7 When will I learn to be more organised in life?

Six things you wish you never did:

Hmm... I don't have regrets in my life. Even if i did... they are very momentary. I mean in the end it does really matter

4 turn ons:

1 A stimulating conversation.... It could range on anything between Kafka to Calvin & Hobbes. Which means you gotta have something inside ur godamn brain

2 Some sense of being. Madnessess surely is one.

3 bow-tie. I don't why but i love it.. And its hard to find men wearing it, though

4 humour... maybe

hmm... I guess. I am hard to impress.

Five turn offs:

1 Look-at-me kinds

2 metrosexuals. I don't thing i can stand a man doing make-up with me..

3 possessiveness

4 i don't need you to open the door damnit. i can do myself. though.. sometimes its nice

5 Macho macho man.. Yo, i am so macho that i can't feel human-like things

Eight things someone told you, you'd never forget:

1 'You are free, free soul' -SM

2 'Never have an ego for your loved ones. You might flash around for the world but never for your loved ones' -BM

3 'But, your blueprint never changes, right?' -NZ

4 'I wish I could be like you' - quite a few. i really don't know what do they see in me that they don't have

5 It's: I need you because I love you and not I love you because I need you -BM

6 'Ye sab dhinchak nachte hai and you call this cinema. Aree, chutiya bana rahehay tumko sab' -SN

7 ' U are a lost generation. No ideology, no role model.. nothing' -SN

8 'How do you know that this is the way to react when somebody touches you? -SN. True, we are all product of MEDIA

3 things you want to do before you die:

1 I shall see the world.

2 I want to be a billboard painter. ok, more achievable.. a street musician..

3 I shall learn to walk in high heels and be like a nice lady..

Phew... TAke that...This was something. I am feeling good of myself, now :)