I wish I was her…

He peeks through his window and calls for her in the sweetest voice, you ever hear. ‘Sohaaa, Sooohaaa”. And waits impatiently for his little girl to come to the window. She runs towards the window…answers him with a gasp. She manages to climb the table near her window and smiles. They share a smile.

And all of the sudden, they are giggling over nothing. They chitter-chat over their days adventures, follies, goof-ups. They laugh off at each others’ stupid mistakes. They talk of their homework, new kid in the class, all the funny jokes, make plans for evening at the park and buzz off.

And then after some time, he calls for her again. Shares something funny at happened in between and they giggle. Sometimes he asks her if he could come over to her place. When she nods, he appears at her door with a bag full of toys and biggest grin. They are lost in their world of illusions, of sillier-newer games.

When she is annoyed, sometimes I play the middle-woman and help them sort out their small but huge problems (like why did you ride my cycle yesterday?)… But strangely, she forgets the fight in a minutes’ time. Their cold-wars vanish in no time, just from a ‘kati’ to ‘bati’. And they are back again chatting about the birds, sky, squirrels.

Sometimes, I try to join in their gang but it’s never that way. She is always the centre of his world. For all the silly-billies and funny adventures. Sometimes, I wish I was her. Sometimes, I wish I had all the attention, love and care like she does.

Love's labour so lost

It was one rainy evening when I bumped into you,
It was not love that first sight but something about was so right,
With the casual hi-hellos, we embarked on this love trail,
Our initial steps were so shy and so frail.
I never realised when we became an inseparable bond.
We even signed a testimony of this love so divine.
All those nights spent gazing the stars in your companionable silences,
Those chilly wintery evenings with hot coffee in your kitchen,
Those lazy Sunday afternoons reading in the bedroom.
Every moment is a memory etched in my heart....
We had our minor tiffs but it was all ok once you smiled,
And then we sailed into one of the adventures of delight.

One fine day you walked in and said that you don't want me anymore,
You told me that it was nothing but a 11-month affair.
I pleaded with you to give us one more chance.
You said, "Ok, one more month. But you go find someone better."
But I knew then you were gone - far and away from me.
Oh, Flat.12 of Patwardhan baug, I love you so... My love for you is so divine.
I shall walk away if you say.. But remember, you can never walk away from love.

Zero

Waiting and watching the fan move over my head. And my mind is going round and round with it. Wondering how fast I am spinning my web … my life. Suddenly, I feel like I have no control over what lies ahead. That what lies ahead has always petrified me.
I am being to wonder if what picture am I painting. I am scared to fill in the colours. And, neither do I know what am I painting! It all seems so hazy.
It was nice chirpy day when all the silly thoughts began to crowd my mind. It’s just that sometime.. Nothing makes sense.. Neither a life. Everything comes down to zero. It is so scary if life has start from a scratch all over again. Its just that I don’t feel sure enough of what am I heading to. … More importantly why am I going, where I am going.
I can only hope that the road will be a fun ride as it has always been for me.

24 Random things about me

1 I am a horoscope-addict. So much, that everyday I start with reading how my day would be in 3 different newspapers, i buy. I guess its beginning to influence my life a bit too much now.
2 I am quite a sport. Whether it is some shit-shopping or getting together at a pub. I am always IN.
3 I am a late-latif... though I try very hard not to. In short, I am lazy :)
4 I am money-blind. I can never sort out financial matters...
5 Food.. has been my love. Now, its no longer that way. I guess, I am concerned of my growing assets.
6 I have this disbelief that I sing well... pretty well.
7 I have a zillion self-doubts. Not about my abilities but wat will I do of them
8 Appreciation works wonders with me. And so does criticism.
9 Cinema is my religion I hate to be around pop-corn eating, gossiping jerks in movie-hall. It irks me to the end. Music is a drug. Books are my Bible.
10 When I am happy, it is evident. When I am sad, it is obvious. But, only I can work my way out of it. Sometimes, the most silliest moment can cheer me up.
11 I am, well, selfish. I have always been important to me. I believe that you got to love yourself first, to love somebody else.
12 I am normally an organised person but sometimes slip into state of anarchy.
13 I love to learn newer and newer things in life.
14 I am very self-contradictory. I may not do what I think because, I was thinking the other way that time.
15 I have only grown to understand that I love my family more than ever.
16 My family has taught me this biggest maxim of my life: Loving does not mine that I shall do anything for you. But it is accepting the differences and co-existing. It makes you so much more stronger, set you free and still keeps you grounded in love.
17 I sometimes think I have become a bunchfull of memories. But then, that is how I would like to see myself grow old. 'Knitting some damn sweater for my beloved and story-telling about my not-so-adventurous-life to my grandchildren.'
18 I always think of my life to be one great adventure. Not that I have done anything adventurous but still.. I am a travel-freak who has never travelled much.
19 I love kids. Its just that I can connect with them - their innocence, their tell-a-tale adventures, their world where nothing just seems impossible.
20 I am certainly not an ambitious, say career-wise. But ambitious and optimist about the way I want to and will lead my life. Career is just one part of life. It does not have that much prominence in my life. But that doesn't mean I will be a loser.
21 I am scared of heights. But I have had my highest rushes when I am atop a mountain.
22 My friends are literally - my life.
23 I'll believe in freedom. Freedom of thought, action and dreams, of course. But, I fail to understand how do women of my generation equate the word 'freedom' with 'freedom to smoke, dope and fuck'
24 Few things I believe in/ realised: 'Love yourself, to love somebody else.' 'Love don't come easy for me.' 'If you love/like somebody, set free them free.'

OOpss!!

It was one of those awkward little movements in my life. After a long while, me and my brother was sitting and catching up on our lives. Strangely despite our age differences, we quite easily confine to each other. It's like we know (well almost know) each others deepest, darkest secrets and fear.
So, it was some god-freakin Tuesday night and we were all cuddled up into one quilt and chatting away to glory. When he popped up this question to me... "Tai, how do i know if a girl is interested in me? There is this girl in my college. Wat can I do?" I was flabbergasted (1) to see my little brother grow up all of the sudden (2) to answer his damn questions. How on earth am I suppose to know all that? I managed to blurt out a few pearls of wisdom, trying to show off that I was the learned one.
I mean I don't carry any expertise here... I am the dumber. I don't how to flirts if it means to look into their eyes and drop hints. I won't understand if someone is doing tht even. Basically, I am a true believer of the idea that - there is nothing to look at in a man. God, just didn't give it to them. I don't have any idea on how many potential interests I must have lost on to that notion. I have not been a relationship of sorts. I do not rather can not have fling - just like that here and there.... Ohh, one positive sign... I have had two terribly major crushes one somewhere in school and other in my college days.
It just that I have always been so lost into myself that I seldom bother to stop and stare. So, I never know if someone is peeping into my world.
Anyways, he made me realise that I missed out so much in life. Watever, I shall check what did he do of that little chance? Lets hope for something better.

When I have the blues...

I wonder why they call it 'the blues'. Blue is such a happy colour. But I cannot handle my blues. I don't know how and when does it engulf me but it does. All of the sudden - everything in and around in my life seems a complete disaster, mess. I have a thousand tons of queries which I cannot answer. Moresoever, I carry a trademark sulking face for everyone right from the watchman to understand that I am not ok. For all strange reasons, even after living for so many years I have never learn the act of faking it right.
So, I sulk everywhere around me. Criticise people and things around me. Take things too seriously. (basically, I live on appreciation and even the minutest critique comes as a big blow in such times) Gradually, I begin to pick on myself. I act like a kid around, trying to attract attention but it is often ignored. Sometimes, miss aai terribly.
All those questions begin to pound in my head. 'what am I doing?', 'why am I doing wat I am doing?', 'Is this the way my life will be?', 'How will my life be?'...... so on and so forth. On a normal days, I can be a powerhouse of non-sense, sit and make everyone laugh over my antics. Even if they are not interested, I make sure that they have to survive me and they is no other way out but to listen to me.
On days like these... I look for solace everywhere around I can. But mostly, I am disappointed. I just cann't find enough energy around to charge me up. So, I try, try and try to deflect me into happier things, try to shed a tear or two and feel relieved and hope that all this sadness vanishes. Most of the times... it does vanish... So, I am waiting today.. waiting from the blues to leave me. Waiting for the madness to come back. I can't live without it.
PS: Maybe it just one of those bad day ... when I want run away from everything.

Swinging at Shivaji Park

... Everytime, I see a swing my mind races down to that moment in time and space, i lived in at Shivaji Park, Dadar.
Every Saturday morning - me, aai and varun (that is when he came into being) - used to bungle into a 368 BEST bus (plz correct if the bus number is wrong, gale) and head towards dadar- my grandfather's house. It was like a little family thing where baba used to join us later in the evening. I still remember the bus ride so vividly. Those were my small windows of acquaintance with the outside world.
Anyways, so the evening were filled with the walk into Shivaji PArk. All those horse-rides, merry-go rounds, running on the playground, staring at the balloon-sellers, bubble-makers, and that elusive budhi-ke-bal (aai never bought them for me. She said that its made of gutter-water. And till date, I have never touched it). And the days turned into night while a walking back home, gazing the stars. My only mission then was to count stars. I used to tell everyone that one day I will be successful.
The biggest highlight of the entire itinerary was to grab on the swing. So, I used to queue up along with aai and wait for my prized moment. And there I was, swinging high up into the sky. Aai or sometimes it was mausi who pushed the swing into force, as my feet never reached the ground. The feeling of flying high high on the swing is so blissfully, blissfully happy. Only a kid know that. Then I eagerly waited for the day when I would grow up and, my feet would reach the ground and I would swing, fly high on my own.
But then the days did come and the act didn't seem fun anymore. Strange, thats how it is - you never what you are live into until it has long gone. I did try my legs on a swing recently but the feeling just didn't seem as it was back then... somewhere back in 1990s :)