That old feeling

July 2004. It was a long rainy day – quite a long while ago. I was trying to fit into this life, I had found for myself. I was staying in an absolutely hilarious hostel, away from home for the first time. The world was beginning to be a strange place for me. New place, new faces, new ways of doing things…. And the lil me refused to fit into this brave new world.
So, I tried to gather all my courage and tell myself that this was going to be a learning experience for me. That I should be stronger. So, I did everything to consume myself but something was amiss. I couldn’t shrug it off that feeling of homesickness.
Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I collected few one rupee coins and dashed to Good Luck phone booth (didn’t have mobile then)... I punched the buttons to home, talked to Baba and cried. I told him that I missed him and didn’t know what to do. Poor man, I could hear him choke on the other side. But he assured me that he will meet me tomorrow morning and that it was ok. He filled me up with hope and I thought that I could live another day.
Its that same old feeling today again. I just want to be home. But I can’t make myself cry today. I can only sulk and try to comfort me unsuccessfully. Whatever it might be, I misses my place, my people a lot…

The blink game

Blink and the world is different.. Blink and again, its colours, hues change ... and its new all over again. :)

Its this stupid game that i play with myself, every time i see a picturesque landscape. I close my eyes and try register my image in the mind. Its like trying to find a camera in my mind. Open your eyes and you capture newer images. Its this fight to keep that moment forever with me. I don't know if i win but i do it all the time anyways.

So, i was at this silly konkan beach with nobody else but me, at peace. Then, it was blink, blink again. (blink) Sound of sea-waves, sea-gulls larking. Sun melting into the sea, boys playing cricket, baby crabs walking their drunk ways, boats homeward bound. (blink) Funny birds does moon walking on the beach, couple passes by, boat closer to the shores, sun changes its colours, my mind racing elsewhere..

(blink) Funny birds fly home, boat reaches the shores, sky goes all crimson red. Revellers jump in water for god knows wat. I walk through the shallow seawaters. Happy. Collect loads of shells. Walk back into the bus, to go home.

It has always been me

Hmm... So, it was one of those Tuesday when I was back home. I was bored. So, I decided to walk around the town.. nigdi. Thats, how most of my walks are - I don't where I am going but I end up going somewhere. :) (i guess thats the way my life has been too). So, I walked my school... I was overwhelmed to catch a glimpse of a part of my life so long and almost forgotten. Kids were playing and checking out aunty (me) passing by. I parked myself in front of the ground... sat for a while, felt happy happy. A sister passed by asking me what happened... like the peace. Yes, it did. My hands automatically went back (on ur butt, as they always said) while talking to her. Some things never fade away.
The grotto was closed. They have built barbed wire around it. I always liked that place, sitting there was so much peaceful.
So much, had passed between all those years.... I had grown up but I had not changed. I am still the naive, hopeful, chirpy.. soul. I still carry that kid's wonderment when I see, hear, read, feel things for the first time in my life. I still feel the need to question to said/believed notions. I still believe in all the non-senses... I still only cry to myself. I still laugh the same hysterical ways. I still carry that innate disability to emote my needs, feelings. I did and do say 'Fuck you damn it. This is what I think"... I still collect all the flowers, bird watch while walking back home. And, most importantly, I am very much as fat and far more MAD - as I was before.
Its only those experiences i lived had enriched me as a person and made my idiosyncrasies flourish.

Bold As Love

For all those, who haven't heard of it ever; listen... Listen to the original Jimi Hendrix version or the covers sung by John Mayer, The corrs, Phish and god knows who all, watever you want. Galette.. lets this one be in our list of mad songs.... shouldn't we really make a list like that, eh?

BOLD AS LOVE - Jimi Hendrix

Album - Axis: Bold as love

Anger he smiles, towering in shiny metallic purple armour

Queen jealousy, envy waits behind him

Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground

Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,

They quietly understand

Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,

But wonder why the fight is on

But they're all bold as love, yes, theyre all bold as love

Yeah, they're all bold as love

Just ask the axis

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war and

Ribbons of euphoria

Orange is young, full of daring,

But very unsteady for the first go round

My yellow in this case is not so mellow

In fact Im trying to say its frigthened like me

And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, eh,

Giving my life to a rainbow like you

But, I'm eh , yeah, Im bold as loveYeah, yeah

Well Im bold, bold as love (hear me talking, girl)

Im bold as love, Just ask the axis (he knows everything)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

My funny valentine!

He is my baby boy... He drives me down home everyday.. be it sun, wind or rain. He chitter-chats about his worldly obsessions, the latest gossips, cracks silly jokes and make me laugh, tunes in for music on radio. He makes me haffy. He checks on me always if i need something. Is always more than willing to help when i am in trouble.
He has this little boy charm, that mischievous trait that make him goof around with things. He is smart man when he wants to be one and a dumb fool when choose to be one. He is always there waiting for me with that effortless smile.
He is my driver... he drives me home everyday. Its like no matter how bad the day has been, it always ends on a happy note, thanks to him.

Always the last-bencher!!

Wooowiieee... I was sitting on the last bench again today. I felt so good, saw like all those back-bencher days were coming back to me.
Ever since I can remember I have always been a last-bencher. In school, I can recall those endless giggly-sessions, phaltu bets, playing with your pen-rattlers, making music outta nothing, eating in periods, face-makings, The X-0, bingo games :) ... Its like there is a whole new world out there. Its where your most creative thought pop out and they are well applauded there.
Its where you make these friends for life. Its where you see the world on a big, bigger canvas. You can see everything from another, na.
There's this special place in my heart for -Mat, Ras, Stan. The last benchers of Std.X A, 2000.
Sometimes growing, sharing and living becomes so nice and easy with some people. I will always always and cherish that time of life. I really thought that i was lost in this new place (school) and they really made feel home.
In college, the attendance was so low... and even if u sat on the last bench... You were anyways on the first... Anyways, I lived my moments of glory in MA again. I guess I never wanted the teachers to influence me. The "We don't need no education" is ingrained into my brain a bit too much. I never understood 1st/2nd rank way of educating myself. I understood teachers pet, question & answers way of learning, I always want to find my way of living and learning.... Thats the way it has been for me.
I was always reading, learning all non-degree related books, magzines, journals throughout my grad days. Chatting over chai and having the most valuable conversations of my life. Bunking lectures and watching films at film fests. Jumping up all possible co-curriculars, not necessarily to participate but to jump around. Walking out on professors bcoz they didn't have anything to offer.
So, here's a salute for all those days for making me what I am... like 'The Vultures'!! :)

me, myself!!!

The world is conspiring against me…
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I am sorry but this one is going to be sad and not so entertaining post. I woke today, knowing that this was going to be a difficult day. I guess I was just so determined to make it sulk that I was very successful in creating one for myself.
The prime worry….. I am going to be all by myself for few days. The task seems daunting and excruciating consuming. I can’t be by myself like that. I makes me feel like some sad loner. Anywyas, I managed to cook, talk, read myself. No source of entertain myself .. Radio chose to konk off just when I needed it so.
I had extreme fatigue and fever… All I exactly wanted. Nothing works like bad health to take me to a mental low. I grow psycho-somatic, irritable, incommunicable. Its like body works on mind and then mind works back with brain. And, I lose control over both of them.
I thought.. ok.. lets cook something. Maybe, I shall feel better. Nothing worked.. it only worsen. (Eyes hurt). Could understand what was happening. Giddy and very cold. Didn’t feel like eating either. Ate something. I decided not to call anyone and crib. So, cheer myself up and I thought I shall read myself ‘The Calvin and Hobbes' to sleep. And I did. Laughed… felt better and drove myself to sleep.
Work.. was ok. I did try my best to put up a show of being this extremely funny, boisterous, goofy soul. I was quite successful as I had managed to convince myself also the same. Had a time to wonder of all the non-senses like ‘How many times will they be painting White House to keep it white all the time?’ Talked and talked bullshit. Canteen forjots to give me food. Lost on Free food.
Listened to Alanis Morrisstte and drove back home with my sweet baby. Invited myself into my home with my company. I am sick right with this feeling. Punching the button on keyboard. I wish tomorrow is better. Mindless hip-hop plays on the radio. I really like to research on the social history of hip-hop music… I mean why do they sing what they music. Its all sad, violent and mostly sexed-up. Eyes hurt. I don't know why but sometimes life reduces to counting day!. How will I ever live alll by myself?

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

Thoughts wizzzing my mind:

1 What movie should i rent Wall-E/ Baran? Cartoon flick or an Iranian love-story.

2 If handicap is a special benefit. They should have something for fat-asses me like. I work in an extra-small cubicle.

3 How do people know that they will there with each other for all the while? How do they see it for each other? How can anyone marry off at 18!!!

4 What if i was a filmmaker? Wat kinda film would i make..... But i guess, i am happy watching them.

5 So dumb, when they say love should be unselfish, unconditional. Like there is some other way to love?

6 I want to ride on a double-decker bus. On the first seat on the top floor and have my arms out of the window.... Small joys. Dadar, 2nd February, 7.30am, Prabhat bookstore bus stop, bus no. 1 ltd.

7 Save Save lots of money. but how??? :( Ladakh in winter!! Read in Outlook traveller. Like some 19th century traveller. Whatever, I shall be there before i die. or I will go and die there.

8 Covered in rain. John Mayer stuck in my head... think i am obsessed

9 How am I going to live four days allll by myself? No roomates.

10 Strange, how some people are connected with you.... wherever you go, whatever you do.. You just carry them long with you. It has that mystical sense of being when you make that connection.... Is that what they call as 'karmic connection'?

11 Do i believe in God? but does God believe in me?' This line in stuck in my head. Heard in a movie.

STOp STop..

Money, money very funny in poor girl's world

Its all gone at the end of it all.. Alll gone. That's one thing i have never learnt after spending so much time (and money) with myself... I don't live a luxury life but a certainly comfortable one. But after 2 years of working... I, Mayuri Panchbhai, have no saving, no investment plans, no health insurances, no brains either to handle this thing called money.

Actually the wealth that i have accumulated is quite of the other kind... Firstly, books... i have lost count on how much i spend on books every month. I guess i buy them think "ahhaa, another one in my treasure." Its mostly. To me, books are like a peep into another world to intriguing and far away. Then, a worldspace radio... Its a lifeline. I don't know what would i do without it. It has made me realise that i can actually appreciate all kinds of music.. pop, rock, rock 'n' roll, hindustani and recently hip-hop.

And then of course ... for all the extra fat. For all the places, I managed to visit and have sumptuous lunches and diners, thanks to all the food-lovers like me. Maybe, the other knick-knacks would clothes but i am not a compulsive shopper. God know how but that's how its all gone :(

But i hope i shall learn the art of saving some day.

Musings

Saaarryy... but this one is copied from my earlier blog. I like it. An art which i don't know how but i lost.

Give me a life to live

Give me a life to live

Where imagination is your world,

Where all your dreams are a reality.

Where there is no friend, no enemy,

Where there is nothing to win, nothing to lose,

Where there is no god, no devil,

Where pain is illusion. And life never ends with death

Where your passion is not money,

Where the world is limitless,

And you are a gypsy wandering nowhere

But still been everywhere ...

Long long road... but i thought it was yesterday

:) .... hmm... where do i start? it was exactly two years ago... today that i started off on my own. I mean i left home and decided to be on my own. Found a job and profession which gives me that freedom to be me and nurture the crazy in me. (but, i still don't know if this is it)
i guess... right now, i was unloading stuff from the car into this PG i found for myself on Prabhat road. i did have an earlier stint of life on my own but this was going to be different. And different it been for sure. A whole lot of learning, falling and growing. When i look back now i think wow... u sure have come a long long way.
i found bunch load of more friends, roommates...... and the crazier ones too who let my madness blossom. Friends.. some withered away and some have only grown stronger with time. :) They helped me find my meaning of loving, caring and sharing.
i always saw myself like that... i mean as an independent being. but now what? now, tht i have it. Its like when u r in school, ur parents, teachers shape u; when u r in college ur friends shape u... when u are on ur own, u shape urself... Its like u r seeing the world on ur own with ur own eyes. And u make watever sense or non-sense out of it, rite? So, for a change i really feel tht i have achieved something. i hope its something tht everyone should but still... i love the way i make myself grow.
The only thing that scares me though is what if this zest just dies down one day. i only become one of the many... i just fall into the line...

'Are you married?'

It was a nice chirpy day. I was going lalaalaaa...ing through it as usual. Decided on skip the morning movie... and go to the belly dancing class directly. In case you still didn't know, this is one of the bizarre things, i am doing with myself. :) I found interesting people at the class including the teacher who is a Mongolian!
So, after the class I busy chatting away with Ms planner. It was the normal hi, wat u do and wat i do kind conversation. And then, it came from nowhere the most dreadful question ever being asked in life... "ARE YOU MARRIED?"
What... I wanted to scream, beat her up to death... married what do you mean? Do i look like one? i don't even have a boyfriend for Christ sake. Jerk just does not know how to talk strangers.
I managed to smile and say no. The feeling began to sink in.... maybe i look like one... fat, impregnated aunty-like.
Then, Ms planner went on with her grand plans for her life. "I am 25 now. My parents are looking for a suitable boy for me. So, lets see.. Now-a-days... Its so difficult to find a nice boy, u know. (u bet, bitchas) then, i shall quit my job and settle down." I smiled and was just about to say nice plan, man.... forget ... she withered away in a while...
But she got me thinking... i guess, there are two kinds of people - the planners and the drifters. where did i fit in here? Nowhere. I decided to make a third category... the drifty planners and not planned drifters and i shall fall into that.
I mean... confession: I can't plan certainly not my life. i like to flow along and find my way somewhere... I can never do this now and then that later And then 15 years from now... SHALL be ..... (watever). Aaaaaaarrgghhhh. So boring when you know everything. I like to know a few things and find my road.
Ain't that bad, eh? And, No I am not married and don't look like one either..

I can't fight this feeling....

Its been years... but this thought or watever it is, just stays with me always. i am not loner of any sorts but this feeling scares me. That one day will come, when i will be on a crowded street - amidst people (known/unknown) buzzing past me by and i be screaming, crying out "Help me. Listen to me." But nobody would care to. I don't know why but it just is. I have a bunch load of loving and caring souls who surround me.(Touch wood :) ) But somehow I can't shrug it off. I can't fight it out. It just comes along with me everywhere i go...

Stop this brain!!

Tuesday, January 14, 2009

Twilight delusions: I woke up with a bang in my head, cussing myself from the non-sense i created in my head.. I guess it was 4.25am in the morning. This was again one of the most weirdest dream, this time thanks to my roomie. I can't recall much of this one but was a scary lesbian encounter. Some middle-aged woman was running after me for life. I kept saying that i was not interested but she insisted. Dream reached i point where she was banging my main door and i was accusing my roomie, "Its all because of u". And as all dreams thats when i woke up.
I realised that it was all thanks to her picturesque narration (something that she is very good at) of this movie "Fire". Asking myself to shut up, I forced myself at sleep but in vain. I kept looking at the open terrace door, thinking what if someone comes from here. i felt like a lil child again.. when i used to tug closer to mom or dad and sleep after a silly dream. So, i kept humming a while and faded away eventually..
Movie RUN: hmm.. and then i woke up like all normal human brain... stretched and yawned. As it was my weekly off ... i couldn't decide on which movies will i see... i saw and i saw ... 5 in a day. i thought this will give my non-sensical brain some rest. Postcards from Leningrad, Shadows in Paradise, Cafe Setarah, In the flesh and Caramel. Found Mr.R the man who cycles from Koregaon Park to FC Road at e-square. Had diner.
Walking me down home: Like a jerk, i came up with this brilliant idea for myself... i shall walk down home. Probably, it would tire me enough to stop from this futile unending conversations with myself. So, i walk all the way from sb road piraymds to my home in kothrud.. at 10.30pm. It took me an hour or so. Between, i said lets stop this madness and find a rick. And like all the times of my life it was... u never get something when u want it and u have it when u don't want it... even with a fucking rickshaw, eh?? watever, i had drained myself enough till i reached home. To my surprise, nobody bothered me on the streets.
I was back home again discussing what movie can i watch tomorrow with my roomies. I told her of my dreadful dream and she laughed it off. I told her that i had walked back home and she rebuked me... I was like i wanted to be scolded. I was finally exhausted, dead enough to stop my brain....
But God knows, what it must have cooked up while i was sleeping??

'The world is a lie. The world is a dream'

I fell in love again, today. All over again. I fell in love with his world. They say he makes magic... the cinema of Majid Majidi. There is magic is his frames, sound, his neo-realistic characters and the simple essence of life that binds each of his movie.
I saw his latest film "The song of sparrow' at piff . The film revolves around Karim (Reza Naji) who works in a ranch in outskirts of Tehran. He lives with his wife, two daughters and a son. Fired from his job, Karim lands up with a job in the city as passenger ferryman. The passenger and the places he encounters.... and his efforts to make his family happy.
The film runs on the underlining theme of the human chase for our dreams, needs... Some we achieve and realise that they were not worth the chase. Some don't materialise and always remain elusive. Some we end up doing unexpectedly and are quite surprisingly satisfying.
A scene where he takes back the blue door, his wife gives away is simply awesome. The shot is an aerial view and he walks with his blue door over the shoulder, through burnt fields - symbolising barren life but still he walks past full of hope. In an another scene, he empathises with his son's broken dream of being a millionare and sings a song for him 'The world is a lie. The world is a dream' - encapsulates the film in totality.
A must watch... Even if you are the yash chopra movie kinds. But i don't know where else can u catch this movie other than a film fest.

TAg me up!

Alrite.. so this is me, clueless as usual. So I shall be filling up my first post with a tag. courtesy Jini. But like Gale says.. we all are finding our clues in life :) Yes, we are and we are growing

Ten things you could say to people right now:

1 Why do men whistle in the loo? I am running this survey for the better understanding of mankind. I really love to understand these silly non-sensos that ppl reject outrightly. I mean if everyone thinks of relativity and Freudian theories.. then who will answer the silly-billies of the world.

2 When will I get a pan-card? Its tax time and i still don't have it. After 2 years of active journalism and a not-so-great money paying profession.... AND A FATHER WHO IS A CA. I don't have a pancard. SHAMEFUL, i agree

3. Which film are we going for at PIFF tomorrow?? Its this international film fest and I go there every year.. to only find more cinema freaks like me. :)

4 Can we do something about the A/C, here?

5 Fuck off!! U moron.. such fakes in this world

6 What do we do for city edition? I work for a newspaper as a big fat copy editor. Worse the work hours really suck.. I work all nights u see..

7 Am I misunderstood? I always wonder how do ppl perceive me?

8 Thank you

9 Waah.. I reached the nine question .. I never really thought that I have much to say... mostly I just shut up and like to keep it to myself.

10.. Twist, twist some more (in Mongolian assent). I am learning to belly dance, thinking I should put my expertises to some good use in life, and my teacher is a Mongolian lady.

Nine things about yourself:

1 I am foodie .. Love doesn't really need an explanation, does it?

2 Careless not with things but people. Its just tht i am so lost into myself and sometimes i forget to love and care

3 i don't take myself or my life seriously. I just let it be. so i guess i am mostly haffy. Maybe it means i will just drift away one day. That scares me.

4 Passion of my life: music, movies and books. why educate urself if u can't read books?

5 straight-forward maybe a lil too much :) but thats the way i am. i don't know how to be otherwise

6 my stupid grin. I guess i don't i myself in positive light. i mean i can't talk good about myself

7 Oh.. this should have been the first. LAZY.. i don't think i utilise my brain to the fullest. I want the learn so many things... but never been the planning kinds.

8 i wish i understood ppl better. i don't know but i fail to decode the masks they roam arnd with.. Y do u need them, anyways? i don't think i have one.

9 Words fail me at the most important and crucial moments in my life

10 a dreamer... conscious and sub-conscious one too :)

11 i guess i am quite an accomodative person

phew... tht was something..

Eight ways to win your heart:

1 let u be u and me be me and then probably we could be we

2 smile...

3 appreciate my non-sense/ . i love ppl who give me a booster to all the non-sense i come up with

4 love music, movie and books.

5 listen to ur heart... i believe in randomness. Most of the decision are made spontaneously

6 listen to me when i am confused, freaked out. I normally need a lot whole of lovin'. Get 'lost' if i can't find it

7 My world is not black and white. Its filled all the colours and i am discovering many more of them. :) I live in Eastman colour

8 Altitude really matter. Those like: "Hi, I am A. and work for....." So what?! Is that ur existence?

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1 So many places to see. A world to explore.. but so lil time and money

2 Am I weird?

3 Am I living it right?.. borrowed from John Mayer's 'Why Georgia'. Sometimes its like is this the thing i want to do for life?

4 How do people perceive me? dumb/naive/ lazy/ drifter/good-for-nothing

5 I will learn the importance of physical activity sometime in life. I hope before its too late

6 Why is fart acceptable and not burp? Not all fart smell!

7 When will I learn to be more organised in life?

Six things you wish you never did:

Hmm... I don't have regrets in my life. Even if i did... they are very momentary. I mean in the end it does really matter

4 turn ons:

1 A stimulating conversation.... It could range on anything between Kafka to Calvin & Hobbes. Which means you gotta have something inside ur godamn brain

2 Some sense of being. Madnessess surely is one.

3 bow-tie. I don't why but i love it.. And its hard to find men wearing it, though

4 humour... maybe

hmm... I guess. I am hard to impress.

Five turn offs:

1 Look-at-me kinds

2 metrosexuals. I don't thing i can stand a man doing make-up with me..

3 possessiveness

4 i don't need you to open the door damnit. i can do myself. though.. sometimes its nice

5 Macho macho man.. Yo, i am so macho that i can't feel human-like things

Eight things someone told you, you'd never forget:

1 'You are free, free soul' -SM

2 'Never have an ego for your loved ones. You might flash around for the world but never for your loved ones' -BM

3 'But, your blueprint never changes, right?' -NZ

4 'I wish I could be like you' - quite a few. i really don't know what do they see in me that they don't have

5 It's: I need you because I love you and not I love you because I need you -BM

6 'Ye sab dhinchak nachte hai and you call this cinema. Aree, chutiya bana rahehay tumko sab' -SN

7 ' U are a lost generation. No ideology, no role model.. nothing' -SN

8 'How do you know that this is the way to react when somebody touches you? -SN. True, we are all product of MEDIA

3 things you want to do before you die:

1 I shall see the world.

2 I want to be a billboard painter. ok, more achievable.. a street musician..

3 I shall learn to walk in high heels and be like a nice lady..

Phew... TAke that...This was something. I am feeling good of myself, now :)