It was one of those awkward little movements in my life. After a long while, me and my brother was sitting and catching up on our lives. Strangely despite our age differences, we quite easily confine to each other. It's like we know (well almost know) each others deepest, darkest secrets and fear.
So, it was some god-freakin Tuesday night and we were all cuddled up into one quilt and chatting away to glory. When he popped up this question to me... "Tai, how do i know if a girl is interested in me? There is this girl in my college. Wat can I do?" I was flabbergasted (1) to see my little brother grow up all of the sudden (2) to answer his damn questions. How on earth am I suppose to know all that? I managed to blurt out a few pearls of wisdom, trying to show off that I was the learned one.
I mean I don't carry any expertise here... I am the dumber. I don't how to flirts if it means to look into their eyes and drop hints. I won't understand if someone is doing tht even. Basically, I am a true believer of the idea that - there is nothing to look at in a man. God, just didn't give it to them. I don't have any idea on how many potential interests I must have lost on to that notion. I have not been a relationship of sorts. I do not rather can not have fling - just like that here and there.... Ohh, one positive sign... I have had two terribly major crushes one somewhere in school and other in my college days.
It just that I have always been so lost into myself that I seldom bother to stop and stare. So, I never know if someone is peeping into my world.
Anyways, he made me realise that I missed out so much in life. Watever, I shall check what did he do of that little chance? Lets hope for something better.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
When I have the blues...
I wonder why they call it 'the blues'. Blue is such a happy colour. But I cannot handle my blues. I don't know how and when does it engulf me but it does. All of the sudden - everything in and around in my life seems a complete disaster, mess. I have a thousand tons of queries which I cannot answer. Moresoever, I carry a trademark sulking face for everyone right from the watchman to understand that I am not ok. For all strange reasons, even after living for so many years I have never learn the act of faking it right.
So, I sulk everywhere around me. Criticise people and things around me. Take things too seriously. (basically, I live on appreciation and even the minutest critique comes as a big blow in such times) Gradually, I begin to pick on myself. I act like a kid around, trying to attract attention but it is often ignored. Sometimes, miss aai terribly.
All those questions begin to pound in my head. 'what am I doing?', 'why am I doing wat I am doing?', 'Is this the way my life will be?', 'How will my life be?'...... so on and so forth. On a normal days, I can be a powerhouse of non-sense, sit and make everyone laugh over my antics. Even if they are not interested, I make sure that they have to survive me and they is no other way out but to listen to me.
On days like these... I look for solace everywhere around I can. But mostly, I am disappointed. I just cann't find enough energy around to charge me up. So, I try, try and try to deflect me into happier things, try to shed a tear or two and feel relieved and hope that all this sadness vanishes. Most of the times... it does vanish... So, I am waiting today.. waiting from the blues to leave me. Waiting for the madness to come back. I can't live without it.
PS: Maybe it just one of those bad day ... when I want run away from everything.
So, I sulk everywhere around me. Criticise people and things around me. Take things too seriously. (basically, I live on appreciation and even the minutest critique comes as a big blow in such times) Gradually, I begin to pick on myself. I act like a kid around, trying to attract attention but it is often ignored. Sometimes, miss aai terribly.
All those questions begin to pound in my head. 'what am I doing?', 'why am I doing wat I am doing?', 'Is this the way my life will be?', 'How will my life be?'...... so on and so forth. On a normal days, I can be a powerhouse of non-sense, sit and make everyone laugh over my antics. Even if they are not interested, I make sure that they have to survive me and they is no other way out but to listen to me.
On days like these... I look for solace everywhere around I can. But mostly, I am disappointed. I just cann't find enough energy around to charge me up. So, I try, try and try to deflect me into happier things, try to shed a tear or two and feel relieved and hope that all this sadness vanishes. Most of the times... it does vanish... So, I am waiting today.. waiting from the blues to leave me. Waiting for the madness to come back. I can't live without it.
PS: Maybe it just one of those bad day ... when I want run away from everything.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Swinging at Shivaji Park
... Everytime, I see a swing my mind races down to that moment in time and space, i lived in at Shivaji Park, Dadar.
Every Saturday morning - me, aai and varun (that is when he came into being) - used to bungle into a 368 BEST bus (plz correct if the bus number is wrong, gale) and head towards dadar- my grandfather's house. It was like a little family thing where baba used to join us later in the evening. I still remember the bus ride so vividly. Those were my small windows of acquaintance with the outside world.
Anyways, so the evening were filled with the walk into Shivaji PArk. All those horse-rides, merry-go rounds, running on the playground, staring at the balloon-sellers, bubble-makers, and that elusive budhi-ke-bal (aai never bought them for me. She said that its made of gutter-water. And till date, I have never touched it). And the days turned into night while a walking back home, gazing the stars. My only mission then was to count stars. I used to tell everyone that one day I will be successful.
The biggest highlight of the entire itinerary was to grab on the swing. So, I used to queue up along with aai and wait for my prized moment. And there I was, swinging high up into the sky. Aai or sometimes it was mausi who pushed the swing into force, as my feet never reached the ground. The feeling of flying high high on the swing is so blissfully, blissfully happy. Only a kid know that. Then I eagerly waited for the day when I would grow up and, my feet would reach the ground and I would swing, fly high on my own.
But then the days did come and the act didn't seem fun anymore. Strange, thats how it is - you never what you are live into until it has long gone. I did try my legs on a swing recently but the feeling just didn't seem as it was back then... somewhere back in 1990s :)
Every Saturday morning - me, aai and varun (that is when he came into being) - used to bungle into a 368 BEST bus (plz correct if the bus number is wrong, gale) and head towards dadar- my grandfather's house. It was like a little family thing where baba used to join us later in the evening. I still remember the bus ride so vividly. Those were my small windows of acquaintance with the outside world.
Anyways, so the evening were filled with the walk into Shivaji PArk. All those horse-rides, merry-go rounds, running on the playground, staring at the balloon-sellers, bubble-makers, and that elusive budhi-ke-bal (aai never bought them for me. She said that its made of gutter-water. And till date, I have never touched it). And the days turned into night while a walking back home, gazing the stars. My only mission then was to count stars. I used to tell everyone that one day I will be successful.
The biggest highlight of the entire itinerary was to grab on the swing. So, I used to queue up along with aai and wait for my prized moment. And there I was, swinging high up into the sky. Aai or sometimes it was mausi who pushed the swing into force, as my feet never reached the ground. The feeling of flying high high on the swing is so blissfully, blissfully happy. Only a kid know that. Then I eagerly waited for the day when I would grow up and, my feet would reach the ground and I would swing, fly high on my own.
But then the days did come and the act didn't seem fun anymore. Strange, thats how it is - you never what you are live into until it has long gone. I did try my legs on a swing recently but the feeling just didn't seem as it was back then... somewhere back in 1990s :)
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I lived to see another day
Yes, I did live to see another day with broken bones and aching body. But, I did.
It all started out when I agreed to be a moonlight treking expedition. I thought, waah, it will be like moonlight and valentino... I walk on to some hill, sit on a hilltop and enjoy the beauty of the nature when the world is fast asleep. Well, it was like thats for the first half an hour or so.... then, the trauma began. I was panting on the climbs and my flat-foot just added into the mess. I had no grip, so was always slipping and falling off here and there. Basically, I was the dumbest of all in the group.
So, I had Mr.Rao, the guide and everyone else pulling me up, dragging me towards another climb. Miserable I was.. It was a struggle for my body and mind was not working. I just resolved my system to only think of the next step. I managed to freak out everyone in the group. Everyone was yelling from all corners, "Come on Mayuri, you can do it".
At the end of it all, we had climbed up and down some 14-odd hills for the last 8 1/2 hours. That is, we walked throughout the night and well off the morning till 10 am. Pheeewwww..
WATEVER, I was dead when i reached home. Slept off for a while and then work like dog for the day while i waited to meet jinu next day.
It all started out when I agreed to be a moonlight treking expedition. I thought, waah, it will be like moonlight and valentino... I walk on to some hill, sit on a hilltop and enjoy the beauty of the nature when the world is fast asleep. Well, it was like thats for the first half an hour or so.... then, the trauma began. I was panting on the climbs and my flat-foot just added into the mess. I had no grip, so was always slipping and falling off here and there. Basically, I was the dumbest of all in the group.
So, I had Mr.Rao, the guide and everyone else pulling me up, dragging me towards another climb. Miserable I was.. It was a struggle for my body and mind was not working. I just resolved my system to only think of the next step. I managed to freak out everyone in the group. Everyone was yelling from all corners, "Come on Mayuri, you can do it".
At the end of it all, we had climbed up and down some 14-odd hills for the last 8 1/2 hours. That is, we walked throughout the night and well off the morning till 10 am. Pheeewwww..
WATEVER, I was dead when i reached home. Slept off for a while and then work like dog for the day while i waited to meet jinu next day.
The not-so fat fat wedding
Firstly, apologises for not writing for so long. Blame on all packed schedule and sheer laziness. Anyways, there is a lot to update u guys about.
Back to February 1...
Well... this was all a big big family jamboree.. I got to meet old and newer old relatives who i never knew existed. The occasion was my cousin sister's wedding. So, early morning, all three of us - baba, me and varun (minus aaji for all inevitable reasons) - drove our way down straight to the marriage venue at Dadar.
The place carries a family history of sorts. If not for this place, may be I wouldn't have existed. This is a place where my aatya got married, where my parents first met. And after four years, they choose to get married in the same place. :) My eldest cousin got married here and now the second one was getting married here again too.
Anyways, so there was meeting a bunch load of relatives. Among all, my favourite one was my french-speaking uncle... I was delighted to speak french with him. Both of us were struggling with our, 'J'ai oulblie tout le francias", "Oui, mais un peu". To me the feeling was like, what one would feel to stand in front of your first love. Yes, it is ma premiere amour - le francias :). It filled me up with so much strength and made me believe in myself .... made me content. I miss it.
A blooper - All these sweet talking relatives were extra extra sweet to me. All where like, "Oh, so you are a journalist at times of india"... (SO WHAT?) "Oh, you just look like Barkha Dutt".. (WATEVER) Then my dear mausi - was trying to hard sell the fact to baba that we should start searching for a suitable boy for me which my dear father discarded saying that she can fend for herself. It really made me glad .. to get that reassurance again and again is a nice feeling.
Slowing the feeling started sinking that there were bunch loads of mallus at the venue. When mausi explained that the bridegroom was half mallu catholic. Ahhh.. no wonder, i thought but how did i always manage to surround myself around THE MALLUS, gods know. And then, there was Maharashtra CM who choose to grace the venue and bless the married couple. He stole away all the attention, nobody was interested in the bride & groom anymore..
With all the hoopla around, the sister finally got married. Its so different to have a girl in your family married. It is so difficult, to send that piece of your heart away. However, modernised we are... somethings will always remain the same.
PS: I was wearing a saree and felt like a nice fat aunty.
Back to February 1...
Well... this was all a big big family jamboree.. I got to meet old and newer old relatives who i never knew existed. The occasion was my cousin sister's wedding. So, early morning, all three of us - baba, me and varun (minus aaji for all inevitable reasons) - drove our way down straight to the marriage venue at Dadar.
The place carries a family history of sorts. If not for this place, may be I wouldn't have existed. This is a place where my aatya got married, where my parents first met. And after four years, they choose to get married in the same place. :) My eldest cousin got married here and now the second one was getting married here again too.
Anyways, so there was meeting a bunch load of relatives. Among all, my favourite one was my french-speaking uncle... I was delighted to speak french with him. Both of us were struggling with our, 'J'ai oulblie tout le francias", "Oui, mais un peu". To me the feeling was like, what one would feel to stand in front of your first love. Yes, it is ma premiere amour - le francias :). It filled me up with so much strength and made me believe in myself .... made me content. I miss it.
A blooper - All these sweet talking relatives were extra extra sweet to me. All where like, "Oh, so you are a journalist at times of india"... (SO WHAT?) "Oh, you just look like Barkha Dutt".. (WATEVER) Then my dear mausi - was trying to hard sell the fact to baba that we should start searching for a suitable boy for me which my dear father discarded saying that she can fend for herself. It really made me glad .. to get that reassurance again and again is a nice feeling.
Slowing the feeling started sinking that there were bunch loads of mallus at the venue. When mausi explained that the bridegroom was half mallu catholic. Ahhh.. no wonder, i thought but how did i always manage to surround myself around THE MALLUS, gods know. And then, there was Maharashtra CM who choose to grace the venue and bless the married couple. He stole away all the attention, nobody was interested in the bride & groom anymore..
With all the hoopla around, the sister finally got married. Its so different to have a girl in your family married. It is so difficult, to send that piece of your heart away. However, modernised we are... somethings will always remain the same.
PS: I was wearing a saree and felt like a nice fat aunty.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Screeeeeaaammmmmmmmmmm.......
I live in a mad house.. I guess, I can only live in a mad house with more mad people like me..... How on earth could i live it otherwise? :)
A normal day in a life in my humble abode - R is dancing (salsa i believe) I jump in trying to show off my non-existent belly-dancing skills, R2 wonders what is she suppose to do. In between all the dancing, the radio is farting. I switch gears and now I am singing, R is still dancing which she now claims is called 'rumba', R2 is scolding both of us as usual, the bathroom's leaking - all of this is happening at the same time .... amidst that madness is free flowing. That is actually, a normal day of my life. But sadly, there are very few instances where all of us are together to showcase our antics. But when we are together, it is really like the non-sensos rule. Plan to do nothing or sometimes something are instantaneously made and the zest to live them is infectious.
There is no rhyme or reason to anything that we could do but its mostly because we want do. 1'o clock 'Darshan' trails, midnite run for the biggest church in the city, the search for a house with a biiiggg terrace and having found one to live in, or plain lazying around.... This will surely be a time in my life that i shall treasure.
So the other day, i was screaming. Just for kicks. I go 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' in front of R2 and she joins in to the party. We get rebuked by R who say, go to the terrace and scream, not inside the house. She is like the 'Mother Superior' of the place. So, we both run all giggly giggly to the terrace like some scolded kids. And start... but we are too giggled-up like some kid's adventure.
"Alrite concentrate, focus," we tell each other. We can't stop laughing for watever reason - over-excited for the ACT, i guess. And, there we go.. THE LOUDEST AND THE CLEAREST SCREAM. We were screaming at the top of our lungs.
Extremely happy of the act. We run back inside, hoping nobody has caught us in the act. And then we get back to our other non-sensical acts.
A normal day in a life in my humble abode - R is dancing (salsa i believe) I jump in trying to show off my non-existent belly-dancing skills, R2 wonders what is she suppose to do. In between all the dancing, the radio is farting. I switch gears and now I am singing, R is still dancing which she now claims is called 'rumba', R2 is scolding both of us as usual, the bathroom's leaking - all of this is happening at the same time .... amidst that madness is free flowing. That is actually, a normal day of my life. But sadly, there are very few instances where all of us are together to showcase our antics. But when we are together, it is really like the non-sensos rule. Plan to do nothing or sometimes something are instantaneously made and the zest to live them is infectious.
There is no rhyme or reason to anything that we could do but its mostly because we want do. 1'o clock 'Darshan' trails, midnite run for the biggest church in the city, the search for a house with a biiiggg terrace and having found one to live in, or plain lazying around.... This will surely be a time in my life that i shall treasure.
So the other day, i was screaming. Just for kicks. I go 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' in front of R2 and she joins in to the party. We get rebuked by R who say, go to the terrace and scream, not inside the house. She is like the 'Mother Superior' of the place. So, we both run all giggly giggly to the terrace like some scolded kids. And start... but we are too giggled-up like some kid's adventure.
"Alrite concentrate, focus," we tell each other. We can't stop laughing for watever reason - over-excited for the ACT, i guess. And, there we go.. THE LOUDEST AND THE CLEAREST SCREAM. We were screaming at the top of our lungs.
Extremely happy of the act. We run back inside, hoping nobody has caught us in the act. And then we get back to our other non-sensical acts.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Buzzz… again
1 I love you and you love me is fine. But I guess the trouble starts when the loving becomes an obligation
2 It has been a long while… but today I almost spend an entire day with myself. I am feeling good about it.
3 Only I can make me happy. I mean sometimes I wonder how do I undergo a string of emotions in a days’ time – happy, sad, anger, helpless and then happy again. And still stay me.
4 I never get to see, hear, feel the evening world – kids playing, birds flying home, colour changing sky… So, I am happy today. Happy for sitting here in my terrace all evening long, after a long long time. I agree I only pay the rent for the god damn terrace, otherwise I could have stayed in any shithole.
5 It takes so long to love somebody – truly completely.
6 I think I am growing old. I contemplate and introspect a lot. Sometimes it really gets on my nerves
7 Ok,a confession. It’s been a long while since I have actually completed a book. I am ashamed
8 Oh, yes. I found my ‘Wilson’. J It’s this little coconut I found on the seashore and it connects me back to that Wilson ball in the film ‘Cast Away’
My little mind
You always keep slipping away, my little mind,
I try everything to make you happy,
I sing all the silly song, read you all the funny books,
I even dance for you.
But you always keep slipping away from me,
Wander away that path with no way out,
Run away from the truth.
Why don’t you listen to me, my little mind?
Why don’t you understand?
I do everything to make you be ‘you’
I listen to all your nonsenses, all your dreams,
I play you the joker and make you laugh,
I even wipe your tears when you’re sad.But you just keep slipping away from me,
I can’t fight you anymore, my little mind.
Why don’t you listen to me, my little mind? Why don’t you understand?
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